That’s right! It’s that time of year again. My birthday is right around the corner. In fact, there are only 30 shopping days left until my birthday.
As usual, I have been inundated with requests for the birthday gift list by all you last minute shoppers. Unfortunately, there are just too many emails to respond to everyone individually so I shall post my list here for everyone.
Birthday Gift Idea #1: A small country.
Now this may seem like a really extravagant gift in these economically challenging times, but it really isn’t. I’m not looking for a big country like Australia. I’m not even looking for a midsized country like France. I’m looking for that smaller, more efficient country. I’m thinking something simple like Sweden, or Finland. But, for the best deal, I suggest Iceland. Since their economy and government collapsed, I’m sure that it’s really, really cheap. And, once I’m established as the strict, but fair, King, then I will invite all of you for my week long birthday celebration.
For those that are worried about the absolute power of ruling my own country going to my head, a small state is a suitable substitution. Please note, a small state is anything bigger than Rhode Island but smaller than Texas.
Birthday Gift Idea #2: A small business.
Keeping with the theme of smaller gifts this year, I’m forgoing my request for a profitable, mid sized corporation. This year I was thinking a smaller, family friendly business that is easy to manage. For example, a perfect small business is an escort service. There are fewer employees, easy to manage financials, and I know that people who would use my business’s services would be happy. To be clear, I’m not talking street corner escorts. We’re talking higher class of ladies and clientele.
For those worried about the legality of an escort service, a cult to call my own is a suitable substitution. If I can’t make people happy with my business, then I want to be able to command them to be happy. I’m thinking one of those simple cults like the Cub Scouts, Marine Corps, or Hari Krishna’s.
Birthday Gift Idea #3: The Perfect Body.
For those that have seen me, you already know I have the perfect body. Rock hard abs. Huge Biceps. Calf muscles of steel! I... AM... HE-MAN... without the silly saying and sword. So, you're probably wondering what I am talking about. I'm talking about a personal fitness trainer. Keeping my temple, as clean and perfect as it is takes lots and lots of work. Having a personal trainer would just make training that much more fun. To be clear, I'm talking a personal trainer named Brittney, Megan, or even Samantha.
For those that are worried a personal trainer wouldn't help me any, a singing telegram from the Balloon Girl is a suitable substitution. You know the girl with the MASSIVE BALLOONS. She sings, she dances, she makes me smile as she bounces her MASSIVE BALLOONS all around.
Well, there you have it. Many, many ideas for you to make sure my birthday is the best that it can be.