Wednesday, November 30, 2011

My wife said I couldn't have sex with an alien...

At my house, when Wife gets busy doing things late at night, it presents the perfect opportunity to watch some mindless entertainment.  I don’t know why but I have a weakness for B rated monster movies.  Last week I was able to find that classic movie SpliceSplice, starring Adrian Brody and some female actors I didn’t recognize, is your basic scientists create genetic creature that is more or less human looking which eventually gets out of the lab and starts killing people. You can see the description here.

Anyway, I’m about an hour in or so when Wife came in to check on me.
- What bad movie are you watching now?
- Some monster movie whose name I can't remember.  It’s actually pretty decent.  On screen, Brody and the creature thing are making googly eyes at each other.

Wife, not really interested as much as curious asks
- So what’s going on?
- Ahh, the usual thing. Scientists make some weird genetic mutation which will eventually go on a rampage of death and destruction.  Now it, which is female, is seducing the scientist.

About this time, Brody and the Creature really start getting into it. We see creatures boobs and while she is riding him she sprouts wings in a… ummm… climactic moment.
- What the!? Is he having sex with that alien? Eeewwww, gross!
- Now hold on. It’s not an alien. It has human DNA so it’s not nearly as gross as it appears.
- What? No, it’s a creepy looking monster with wings.  That's close enough to alien to be alien.  Normal people do not have sex with aliens from outer space.
- Aww come on now, you’re just being narrow minded. It’s really not that big a deal because it’s a human based genetically engineering thingee which makes it ok. There are no aliens in this movie. In fact, it’s kinda exotic if you think about it.
- No it does not make it exotic in any such way. It’s wrong. And let me tell you right now I am not buying a costume with hooves just so you can get your jollies off.
- Hold on now. That’s bestiality and that’s just nasty. This is a cluster of pre-fab cells with a dash of human DNA. That is completely different. And honestly the whole thing is moot because she has small tits anyway. If I am gonna have sex with an alien or a thing with wing then it needs to have either multiple tits or at least one larger than that.

I love my wife a great deal but she does not have what you would call "huge tracts of land".  I love her tits just the way they are but I could tell by her look that I had struck a nerve.  So, pointing to her own chest wife responds with
- Ummmm Hello! Just slightly insulting?

- What, you have nice normal human tits, maybe a wee bit undersized but beautiful.  I'm just saying most aliens have bigger tits than the ones on the screen. 
Wife, insulted and disgusted left the room. 

Hindsight being what it is, I see now that my final comment wasn't the best.  Instead of going with my silly answer I think I would have saved myself an hour of silence if I had gone with one of these comments instead:
1) I should have just kept quiet and agreed that I would never have sex with an alien. That would still have left open the door to genetically modified beings and I should have been happy with that.
2) I should have tried to reason with her and used the geeky Star Trek reference.  Drawing the analogy between Captain Kirk, a horny old dog who chased ever alien with legs, tails, and even tentacles, and the acceptability of interspecies relationship in the distant future..
3) I should have said her tits were bigger and left it at that.

Yeah, I think #3 would have been the best response too.


  1. I guess it was not the time to talk to her about the hypothetical alien three way then, huh? ;P

  2. She doesn't read the blog, right?

  3. Great post and very funny. This is something that would be great to send in as a question to Craig Ferguson to read on air.

    By the way, was the alien sex in Cocoon creepy? Seems as long as we have no contact it is OK. I began thinking of all the movies and TV shows where you are the one in the right. According to those Aliens and Humans have sex all the time....then there is the Internet and fanfiction....which would bring a whole other discussion between you and your wife.