I have come to the realization that life is somewhat like Star Wars. There really is only “Do or do not! There is no try!” and no matter what you say, metal bikinis are hot. And finally, the Dark Side is alive, well, and living less than a mile from my house. Oh those deadly Sith Lords may look innocent, but they are evil incarnate. In case you are wondering, these minions of evil go by the name Grandma and Grandpa.
Now I know what you are thinking, “How can he say such mean things about cute, cuddly, little old people?” Well, let me tell you, it’s easier than you think. Just because their hair is white, or strangely too dark, doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of torturing me to no end.
And, to prove my point, I have some examples:
#1, “They don’t need no stinkin’ gloves”
Last weekend, the children wanted to see Grandma and Grandpa, and being the big softly that I am, quickly caved to their request. It had nothing to do with the fact that it was 30 degrees outside (i.e. freezing cold) and this was a grand excuse to get them out of the house which they were in the process of destroying. So I bundled them up, hats, gloves, puffy coats, the works! And off we went.
After we got to Grandma’s, took the hats, gloves, puffy coats, and shoes off, did the per functionary greetings, Grandma asked the kids “Do you want to go outside and see the lake?” To which the immediate response was “YEAH!”
WHAT? I could have done that myself at home. The key here was to keep them warm and healthy. Now the kids, in a blur of motion, put their own shoes on (strangely they can't do that at home themselves) and their coats, and run out the door as Grandma holds it open.
Notice anything missing? Like hats? Gloves? That silly zipper thing that coats are equipped with?
Now, as a child, I wasn’t allowed to go outside without the proper clothing. You know, fleece lined-down filled puffy coat, mittens, slick snow pants, boots, socks, Dad’s thermal socks (so they could fit over my socks), underwear, thermal underwear, and a scarf. I was the abominable snowsuit man by the time I was done. AND, if I was missing anything, I couldn’t go out.
With that as my basis, I watched in horror as “Grandma” just let my kids run out the door without even zipping their jackets??!!! My son's ears were turning black purple from frostbite and he was even to the corner of the house!!!!
Because I was having a mild heart attack anyway, I asked “What the hell was that? I brought the hats for a reason you know!”
Ready the reply, here it is... “Well dearie (swear to God she called me dearie!!) you’d best chase after them, they’re out of sight behind the house while you’ve been dawdling.”
Oh friggin great. Now I have to go out in the blizzard like (less the snow part) conditions and watch the stinking kids. I did not sign up for this.
Maybe that isn’t evil enough for you:
Example #2, "Sugar as a vegetable"
After I lose feeling in my fingers, toes, lower intestines, ears, and most major body parts, the kids decide they want to go back in.
What does Grandma have ready? Hot chocolate! But the kids don’t like hot chocolate, so they have chocolate milk. And some chocolate chip cookies, and the m&m’s that she picked out of the trail mix because “the kids don’t like some of the dried fruit bits”, and a popsicle to wash it down.
WHAT? What four food groups is she selecting food from? Salt, lard, sugar, and beer? Good grief, this was the woman that stuffed me with apples and pears. Now suddenly, she the Pilsbury Dough Lady and Keebler elf rolled into one.
Again, "Uuumm, Mom, what are you feeding them? AND, remember all the nutrition talks we had when I was a kid."
The reply "Oh son, back then we had the 4 food groups. Now they have the food pyramid which has far more selections for growing children."
WHAT???? As I was about to reply, my daughter rushes up (on the full tilt sugar high) "Daddy, whenareyougoinghome? Wewanttoplaywithgrandpa!!!" For point of reference, have you ever heard the chipmunks? That's what she sounded like.
As I began to open my mouth, Grandma interjected, "Yes, why don't you head home. I'm sure you have plenty of chores to do."
So, I did the only thing a good parent could do. I went home.