Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Time is running out...

Recently you may have noticed that corrospondence sent to me have been bouncing back to you. That’s because it’s that time of year again and, as always, I am overwhelmed of the flood of email. I try to prepare in advance but it seems that every year the wave gets bigger and bigger. That’s right, my inbox has been flooded with the “what do you want” and “please help me get you the perfect gift” emails. All this because in just *1* short month, it will be my birthday.

I’m sure this doesn’t come to a shock to any of you but sometimes… very rarely… someone forgets. This year, in an attempt to save the hapless from themselves and remind those that may have “forgotten” I will post “the list” on this blog. That way, you don’t have to worry about losing the email or accidentally deleting it or the dog eating your harddrive. And yes, I have heard all these excuses in the past. This year, it will be on the blog for all eternity so you can refer back to it to make sure what you get me is JUST RIGHT.

Gift Idea #1, The Group Gift or the “third world nation” gift.
I’m not a greedy person so I won’t ask for a large or medium nation. Not to mention the upkeep on larger size countries would just stretch my budget too much right now. The perfect third world nation would be an small island nation. Something off the beaten path with white sand beaches and clear blue seas that are not overfished or polluted.

When shopping for small island nations, it’s important to keep in mind that I don’t want one that has already been abused and run down. There needs to be an actual transition of power and not just “last plane outta the Alamo” type of transition. Nothing grinds on a person more than taking power and immediately having to suppress a peasant revolt.

Just mention these facts to the local “third world nation” realtor and all will be taken into consideration.

Gift Idea #2, The Individual Contribution or “Big Car with Mag Wheels that shoots Flames” gift.
While I love group gifts, there are people that feel their contribution isn’t recognized or sufficiently apparent in group gifts. For those of you who wish to go it alone, I recommend the “Big Car with Mag Wheels that Shoots Flames” gift.

Anyone can own a corvette or a classic 57 chevy or any viper or cars like that! The individual contribution gift really needs to be spectacular, something like a monster car with huge mag wheels in the back (and little ittie bittie wheels in the front) and a huge engine that sticks outta the hood that has huge pipes sticking outta it that shoots huge flames. And, well basically, the car is HUGE. It doesn’t putt-putt-putt like your father’s volkswagon jetta, it RUMBLES!!!! VROOM VROOOM VRRROOOOOOMMMMM

Gift Idea #3: For the Cheapskate… Power Tools.
Now before y'all rush to this choice, remember this isn’t about sissy power tools. Anyone can buy a simple cordless screw driver. That isn’t a POWER TOOL. What we are talking about is manly man, cut it, maul it, maim it, power tools. When using said power tool I’m not in danger of cutting off a finger, I could potentially lose a limb. That’s a power tool. It has to be big, it has to be mean, it has to be complete overkill for whatever project I use it one.

Manly tools usually have a pull start or a computer assisted shiney red button start that has a warning to read the instructions prior to actually using it. Once started it has a low level hum or mini-rumble *putt-putt-putt* that quickly escalates into RRRROOOAAARRR RRRUMMMBBBLLLEEE ZZZZZZZZZ followed by sounds of things breaking.

Specifically, manly tools include, but are not limited to chainsaws with 56" cutting blades, double ended wood splitters, and triple shot, liguid gas powered nail guns.

No, need to thank me for this short list. I feel it’s my duty to provide as much help as I can. The lines will be long enough without you having to think about what to get me too!

Good luck and good shopping!


  1. Kris the Devoted Fan3/07/2007 10:14 PM

    Oh Lee, thank you, thank you, thank you! This list is so helpful. I will make sure to get you something wonderful now.

    You're the greatest Lee!

  2. Gee Kris I have never seen you comment here before, yet your pattern of "speech" seems strangely familiar.

    Gosh is Kris an alias - hmm - gosh who could Kris be???

  3. I have a list of gifts you could buy Lee.

    1) I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!: Daily Affirmations By Stuart Smalley

    2) Xanax.

    3) My Little Ponies.

    4) Linthium

    5) A straight jacket.

    6) Bright shiny objects.

    7) An e-bay auction from jlm1955707.

  4. I'd be willing to go in for the island nation, provided that you throw a big birthday shindig and fly us there for free. =P

  5. OOO! I call the My Little Ponies gift, I've got it covered!

    Though if the island party goes through I'd put in for that too...

  6. Kris is my personal stalker! How dare you insult her!!!

    As for the rest of you... pitch in for the island and I shall travel you, spouse, significant other, and "she/he's just a friend" to the island for the party... not only this year but next year too!!!

    Because I'm nice like that.