Thursday, February 14, 2008

Great Balls of Toilet Paper!

For this weeks discussion of how men and women are different, we shall focus on the bathroom. Besides the obvious stand up – sit down thing there is a difference in the use of toilet paper.

For some unknown reason, men are toilet paper averse while women love the stuff. For men, unless it's a number two, it's pretty much optional. For women, they can never have enough. AND, through observation, I've learned this is genetic.

You see, when we toilet trained the boy, we taught the proper use of toilet paper but since then it's like he's abandoned it. Currently, the Boy is slightly out of control in the bathroom. He shakes his entire body as if he was a windmill, washes his hands, and walks away. And, yes, we've had the talk about the seat up-seat down thing AND "I don't care if you shake but ya gotta clean the drips up!"

Now, Girl is different. She sits there. She sings songs. She looks around. She has a grand old time in the bathroom. And, when she's bored, she starts to pull out the toilet paper. 1 square, 2 square, 4 squares more. She likes toilet paper. And, she too, has gotten a talk but hers is more "Use three sheets and be done". Those talks usually come after Daddy has had plunger fun again.

Now, my wife is the same way as the Girl. She pulls toilet paper like a Carnie spinning the lotto wheel at the circus.

WWWHHHHHIIIIIIZZZZZZZZZZ clacketyclacketyclackety clackety clackety clackety clack

Clack…………… clack.

I think she uses some to wipe and the rest to make little origami swans. That's all I can figure.

When I lived alone, with a little conservatism, one roll of toilet paper was good for a month. Now with three girls in the house, I'm buying 40 packs and hoping to last the week.

I mention this because, as we all know, there is the exception to the rule. There is the occasional crossover metromale who doesn't seem to get the whole toilet paper concept. And today, I encountered that exception. It happened at work when I was in Stall #1 of 3. Stall one is the most popular so I was lucky to get it. BUT, there was another "customer" in stall #3. That's the dark stall in the corner so it's always weird to see someone in there anyway.

So I nestled in for a stay when I realized Stall #3 was finished. I heard the Bumpa-Bumpa as he peeled some toilet paper off the roll. Then I heard BUMPA-BUMPA-BUMPA. What the heck was that, I thought? Like every other office in America, our bathroom's are equipped with industrial strength sandpaper in the form of 3 foot diameter rolls. A single bumpa will get 4-6 sheets, a double bumpa is usually reserved for the "drank to much at happy hours last night" days.

Not only did Stall #3 have a triple BUMPA, HE WENT BACK FOR MORE! He went back for a whole 'nother round of BUMPA-BUMPA-BUMPA. That's like 47 sheets of toilet paper. All I could figure was he was making a baseball glove for the Jolly Green Giant.

Honestly, I was worried for my shoes because there was no way the toilet was going to be able to handle it. But the toilet made some choking and groaning noises and finally choked it all down. And, because I was embarrassed for the unknown person in Stall #3, I waited until he left.

Which brings us to the question, how much toilet paper do you use?

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