Wednesday, August 29, 2007

First Day of School

So, as big events go, this week contained a biggie. The kids went to their first day of school. That’s right the Boy and Girl went off to kindergarten. And, what a week from h-e-double hockey sticks it has been.

I know I have talked about the difference between little boys and little girls but apparently these differences extend to older, more mature men and women. More than just the physical differences, men and women are just wired differently.

It really started last week, when the wife asked “So” followed by a slight pause.

For all the men reading this, if your significant other ever starts a conversation “So,” followed by a slight pause, YOU’RE DOOMED. D-Double O-M-E-D. Seriously, anything that starts with a hesitation means she is looking for some kind of deep, meaningful, insightful comment that implies you have emotions. The pause is a womans way of providing you the necessary time to make up whatever lies are required to show you care.

For the faithful readers, I shall share my personal tricks used during the “pause”. Depending on my mood, either “Ah, what the heck, I can deal with this” or “I’ve been out drinking, so I need to squelch this quickly” dictates the responds. If I decide to suffe… I mean answer the impending emotional question, I stick a finger in my eye. The immediate pain of the action causes my eyes to water, simulating tears. Works like a charm. The only problem, make sure you wash your hands. This method can easily give you a case of pink eye which is hard to explain.

On the other hand, if I have been drinking and decide that I really just want to go to bed, I fart. Seriously, A good "stink bomb" is a sure fire method to end any conversation.

BUT, back to the story at hand, I knew the conversation was gonna be a doozey because the first day of school was right around the corner. “So, are you sad the kids are going to school?” she asks.

I don’t know what happened or what I was thinking but I IMMEDIATELY answered. “No. Why would I be sad? This is a great achievement for the little tykes. They’re growing up. They’re going to school. I am really proud of them.”

I can see all the single males reading this shaking their head going “good answer”. I can see all the married men going “bad answer”. And, yeah, that was the wrong answer. Not even close to the right answer. Needless to say I spent the next 20 minutes holding my wife while she sobbed away and I tried to explain that by proud I mean “proud and sad”.

But, eventually, the big day came. Everyone got up early, everyone got ready, and there weren’t any water works UNTIL… because you knew there was an until… UNTIL Tiny asked if she could go to school too. I responded “No, it was Boy and Girl’s special day." She looked at me, her eyes filled to the rim with water and she ran to Mommy. Mommy had, up until this point, had been doing quite well but the sight of Tiny missing her big brother and big sister was too much for Mom.

Eventually, it was time to go so we all went outside to wait for the bus. Mom took lots and lots of photos. And, when the bus came, Boy and Girl jumped right on without looking back once. And, ya know, I was proud of them.

And, wouldn’t you know, my drive to work is due East so the sun was right in my eyes on the way to work. In fact, the sun was so bright it even made my eyes water…. Just slightly.


  1. I cried when I got the bill for Gwen's first year in college.

  2. I don't think I'd be sad to send kids off to school - but I'm cynical and believe that by the time they were old enough I'd want them out of my hair every once in awhile.

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