Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Fire in the Hole!

Since we’re talking about the French bathrooms, let’s talk about the French toilet.

The French toilet is much like the American toilet. It’s white and has the same toilet shape. The only real difference between the two toilets is the amount of water they contain. You see the French are very conservative with their water, so unlike the American toilet swimming pool, French toilets have little tiny reservoirs. I’d say the French toilet has about one third of the water that an American toilet does.

You wouldn’t think less water would be a problem but it really is. And it all has to do with aim. You see, when an American sits on a toilet, he/she likes to sit on a toilet. As an American, I have a toilet seat, therefore I shall use the toilet seat. It is my God given right to use the ENTIRE seat. I didn’t buy a piece of the seat, I bought the whole thing. Therefore I shall sit on the whole thing. My big, fat American ass is going to use every square inch of the seat ring for maximum comfort.

But, with so little water it’s like trying to poop into a Dixie cup from 10 feet in the air.

So, in order to properly utilize a French toilet, a person must ‘perch’ on the seat. If you utilize the entire seat then you will definitively streak the bowl. While that’s all well in good in a public facility, it doesn’t go over so well at home. There’s a very high chance you’ll such phrases as “JAY-ZEUS who crapped all over the bowl? This is disgusting!” And retorts like “Must’ve been the boy. He doesn’t put the seat down either!” aren’t nearly as effective as one might think.

Now, because a person has to perch to accurately aim, there is a small gap between the crack and the seat. Not only does this little gap let in air, but with a user perfectly perched, it transforms a French toilet into a perfect megaphone. When there is a plop from an object hitting a Dixie cup from an extreme elevation, it isn’t just a plop, it’s a PLOP!

Interesting enough, my house echoes. You see, in my house, there is just tile and open space everywhere and all the open space magnifies sounds to an incredible extent. For example, the other night we were on the couch reading when Wife got up and left. After a moment, I heard PLOP. There really was no doubt where Wife is or what she was doing.

So, I had a decision to make, should I:
(a) raise an eyebrow but continue to quietly read,
(b) giggle loud enough to let Wife know you heard her, or
(c) cry out “Fire in the hole! B-O-O-M!” and hope for the best.

Yeah, I got in trouble for that too.


  1. You have some serious bathroom issues that probably need therapy, but it does make for funny reading.

  2. Arf...
    What about turkish toilet? do you try one?
    Bon séjour ;)

  3. "Have you ever been in a Turkish prison, Joey?"