You would think after being married for a bunch of years I would know better than to discuss things I know nothing about with my wife. Don’t get me wrong, I know not to discuss cars, or house maintenance with her because she doesn’t care about such things. Wait, let me clarify that, my wife doesn’t care about what size roller I use to paint the wall, but she cares about the color. And, I have learned that I don’t care about the shade of color, but I care about the base color. I’ve learned that when it comes to red, Terra Cotta is fine, hot pink is not.
But the other night I made a rookie mistake. I discussed my wife’s hair style.
OH, YES, I DID!
It started simple enough. Almost too simple like she was lying in wait to pounce on me.
Wife: I’m bored with my hairstyle. I want something new.
See, simple enough. I could have gone with the *grunt* acknowledgment but I decided to try and actively participate in the conversation. Lately, Wife has been on a tear with the “What not to Wear” show and I’ve sat through a couple of them with her. With my newfound fashion knowledge, I figured I could fake my way through the conversation. So I waded right in.
Lee: Really? Are you thinking longer?
Wife: No, longer doesn’t look good on me.
I should mention that my wife is petite, with narrow features, and very skinny. Add very fine, very very straight hair (no body) and even by her own admission, there isn’t much she can do with it.
Lee:What about going shorter? Do you notice at this point I’m still in the clear. I’ve made some good comments. I went with the simple long-short discussion. I was still safe. I could have stopped and gotten out but I was feeling brave.
Wife: I already have short hair. I want something different.
Lee: Well how about going real short? You can do something like that crazy lady who dated Stallone in the 90’s.
Wife: Bridgette Neilson? The crazy chick with the bleach blond hair?
Lee: Yeah yeah that’s her. Don’t do the bleach but you could go with that style.
Wife: It’s a crew cut! I am not doing a crew cut.
Lee: I’m just saying. Work with me, it’s different that what you have.
Wife: If you aren’t going to make reasonable suggestions then you shouldn’t try to “help” as you call it.
Here was the out. I was given a chance to run. In fact, I should have run but I felt like I was doing so well I couldn't quit.
Lee: Ok. Then how about short on the sides and back, like mine but just a shade longer.
Wife: Are you serious? Do you even know what you are suggesting?
Lee: What? I working with you. You’re being finicky.
Wife: Again, are you serious? You just suggested that I get a hair cut like your mother's!
YOW!!!! I knew I was in trouble, so discretion being the better part of valor, I quickly retreated.
Lee: You know what, I don’t know a lot about hair but I know I love you even if you decide to go bald.
I would have been fine if I hadn’t said bald.